My (Unpublished) Interview


After submitting my answers to Ideamensch, a company that publishes interviews with entrepreneurs, I never heard back from them. I am publishing the interview here so that aspiring entrepreneurs aren't denied prudent advice.

1. Where did the idea for The Humorist come from?

The Comedian was already taken. I levied threats against the person who owned The Comedian website domain to try to force him to relinquish the name. When that didn't work and officers of the law got involved, I looked up "comedian" in a thesaurus and came up with The Humorist.

2. What does your typical day look like and how do you make it productive?


I meditate for 3 hours every morning. My meditation technique involves sitting in a rocking chair facing a window and gently rocking back and forth, a serene smile across my face.


After that, I am on the phone for 2-3 hours with various vendors, but mostly Comcast, demanding discounts.

I pet my cat until his gratuitous purring starts to grate on my ears, after which I make myself a stiff drink--usually a Jim Beam on the rocks or Moonshine neat.

In the late afternoon, I go for a nice long walk, during which I talk to myself about various contentious topics, such as politics, sports, and Adam Sandler.

After sunset, I eat dinner if I have food in the house. If there's no food, I fast like many great leaders who preceded me.


3. How do you bring ideas to life?


I stare at an idea with unbridled intensity, lift my arms slowly and dramatically above my head, and then thrust my convulsing palms forward as if I were shooting an imaginary bolt of lightning, and yell, "COME TO LIFE, IDEA, COME TO LIFE!"

4.What’s one trend that excites you?


Carrier pigeons.

5. What is one habit of yours that makes you more productive as an entrepreneur?


Demanding the best of myself, and less than my best from my unpaid interns. As the old maxim goes, "when a student overshadows his master, the master has no choice but to exile the student to a distant land." Because I would rather not pay for an international flight, I make sure that my inferiors never exceed expectations.

6. What advice would you give your younger self?

Learn to code.

7. Tell us something that’s true that almost nobody agrees with you on.


Epstein killed himself.

8. As an entrepreneur, what is the one thing you do over and over and recommend everyone else do?


Math.

9. What is one strategy that has helped you grow your business? Please explain how.


One strategy that I've consistently implemented to grow my business is to politely ask people to buy my services "or else." Closing a sales pitch with these two words is my silver bullet to revenue growth. I suspect it works because "or else" implies a threat of retribution if my demands aren't met.

10. What is one failure you had as an entrepreneur, and how did you overcome it?


Once I banged my shin against an open dishwasher door so hard, I thought my walking days were over. Ten seconds later, I was almost completely free of pain. Being able to walk again instilled a great amount of confidence in me, and made me believe there was nothing I couldn't do.

11. What is one business idea that you’re willing to give away to our readers? (this should be an actual idea for a business, not business advice)


A cellphone that also takes pictures.


12. What is the best $100 you recently spent? What and why? (personal or professional)


I spent $100 on a Facebook ad promoting the idea that we should normalize traditional Japanese suicide (aka Seppuku) to cure the universal shame that pervades humanity. I received extremely positive feedback from manufacturers of Samurai knives.

13. What is one piece of software or a web service that helps you be productive? How do you use it?


The Internet. It helps me track sports scores.

14. What is the one book that you recommend our community should read and why?


A Life of Misery and Triumph because it's about vodka entrepreneurs.

15. What is your favorite quote?


"We're crab people now"-Frank Reynolds

16. Key learnings: Write up 3-5 bullet points summarizing the key learnings from your interview.This information should not be written in first-person, or be self-congratulatory in any way or shape. What’s the most valuable information gleaned from your interview. These key learnings will go at the bottom of your interview and will be used to promote your interview via social media.


✔Pet your cat

✔Don't exile your interns

✔If you cannot afford food, practice fasting